When I think back to the 18yr old me -the me before life hit me upside the head, I'm reminded of a child: young, innocent, naive, and pure to the realities of the world. I had confidence in who I was, I had a childlike faith, and I looked to the future with excitement; eager for the unknown, with a head full of dreams.
But that was before... before I went head to head with the enemy. Before almost losing the lives of myself and my son in birth. Before the lost friendships; before the relationship changes and challenges. Before losing our baby in miscarriage. Before life happened.If the 18 year old me could see me now, I doubt she'd even recognize herself. I'm not the innocent, naive girl I was back then. I feel broken inside; hurt and grieving; battle scarred within from the trials of life. I've seen the dark side of humanity and the terrors of the spiritual realm up close and personal. Laying in the dark at night, as a talk with God and listen to my husband's soft snoring, I often reflect on the seasons and moments that have made me who I am now. In those moments it feels like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders. But God...
He was there through it all. Walking before me, walking with me; preparing the way for His plan to be accomplished. Preparing my heart for the growth that would follow the pain. I may not be the girl I was at 18, but in the midst of the broken is beauty.
The woman I am now has a much stronger faith; a clear awareness of the evil we are fighting, and a deeper dependency on God that draws me ever closer to Him.
I wish I could go back and tell that scared teenager that it'll be OK. That one day, it'll all make sense and you'll see that, like Joseph, what the enemy meant for evil, God used for good. When I feel broken, God reminds me of all the good that has came out of the trials; all the growth, the faith, and the testimony that has enabled me to encourage many other people in their own trials. God has shown His face to me and revealed His power in my life. I'll never be the same because I'm being renewed every single day. God's plan is mysterious and strange, and oftentimes frustrating to our human minds. But it is beautiful, and amazing to see what He can accomplish in our lives when we allow Him to use us.
So I'm not broken. I am restored. I am loved. I am a new creation. My past does not define me, but it has made me who I am today. For that, I am truly thankful. I am thankful that God saw fit to use me in His story, and that He has pulled me from the fire and refined me.
