Our beginning

 

 I won't say it was love at first sight; I don't believe in such a thing. But what I do believe, is that ours was a God ordained love story. I believe that the night I met Dan, God told me he was the one. While it wasn't an audible, "this is your future husband!" kind of thing, it was an unexplainable and undeniable feeling that I had already known him my whole life. It sounds cliche, but he was the most familiar stranger I'd ever met.

  It was December 22, 2015. I had only just moved to Idaho 3 months before. My pastor and his wife were trying to help me meet some people my age so they threw a Christmas party for all the college age kids at church, and insisted that I come. Normally, I wouldn't go to such an advent while I was so new to the church, but I had an unshakable feeling that I needed to go to this one. I arrived 15 minutes late and as the pastor and his wife introduced me to everyone, the faces and names went by in a blur... until HIM. The quiet, muscular guy sitting in the corner. His soft smile gave me butterflies and instantly made me feel comfortable and secure. Somehow, he made me feel safe in a room full of strangers. This was a big deal for me.

  A couple years before, I had experienced a scary ordeal in Africa. The short version of a long story is that I has several frightening encounters with men while over there. While nothing happened physically, the trip left many emotional and mental scars that took years to overcome. By the time I met Dan, I had already come a long way, but I was still nervous and distrusting of men. So for this guy- whom I had only just met- to have such an impression on me was astonishing.

  As the evening wore on, we found ourselves thrown together time and time again. Conversation flowed easily and cocomfortably. We found that we had a lot of similarities. I had had other interests and "possibilities" before. But he was the first one that didn't feel forced or awkward. After that night, we didn't speak again until May 2016. But he was often on my mind. I found myself praying for him every night. Being creatures of habit, we often found ourselves sitting near one another at church. I'd smile and say hi; he'd give a sheepish smile and a nod. I often watched him when he was sitting in front of us. His attentiveness and scripture study during the sermon was impressive. As too, was the fact fact he sang along during worship. Anytime we passed each other in the halls or the (one) time I tried to approach him, he fled like a wild animal. Turns out, he was just as "curious" about me as I was him. But he too, was socially awkward and afraid to approach me.

  That May, my brothers and he became buddies and started hanging out. One Sunday after church, they found a way to break the ice and get us talking. As I approached the group, one of them swung his arms towards me and announced, "Here she is! 21, single and reeeaaady to miiiiingle!" Both brothers then abruptly left, leaving Dan and I suddenly alone. As we laughed off their joke, we started chatting. This led to weekly conversations after church until he eventually started following me home each week  to hang out; and the rest is history.

  Like I said before, Dan was not my first interest. He wasn't even the first guy to ask me out. Under normal circumstances, I probably never would've given our meeting a second thought. BUT GOD. God knew that Dan was exactly what I needed for this exact season of life. Dan inspired me and challenged me in ways no one ever had, nor had ever needed to. He came into my life right as I was starting to heal from that last trip to Africa, but right where he needed to be in order to help me fully heal.

  As our relationship progressed, my fears and anxieties started to pop up again. It quickly became apparent that getting close to a man subconsciously stirred up those past memories. The nightly nightmares became so bad that I wasn't sleeping and was barely eating. The closer we got to our wedding, the worse things got. Dan was the sweetest, most supportive boyfriend through all of this. He never once got upset when I was withdrawn, nor pushed me too hard. When things got bad he would simply sit in silence and hold me. Lending me his strength and support. He prayed with me and challenged me to pray for the men who had caused these fears.

  I remember sitting in the car crying that first time he asked me to pray for them. When I couldn't do it, he did. He held my hands as he prayed for the men who had chased me and grabed at me; the very men who haunted my dreams. A few months before our wedding, he gently called me out for my bitterness towards those men and led me to the Bible to help me let go of that. It was a long process, but over the course of our 6 month engagement, Dan helped me overcome all my fears and truly let go of that bitterness. He eventually enabled me to pray for those men with a genuine spirit of forgiveness.

  God put Dan in a position that one else had been able to step into, at just the right time in my life where I would be accepting of him and open to the help he offered. I truly believe that the first night we met, the Lord was already preparing my heart for the crazy journey that this man would take me on. Our love story may sound simple and unremarkable to other people, but to me, it was more life changing and transformative than I could ever say. This man; this- wild, reckless, mountain man- pulled at my heartstrings with the gentle guidance that the Lord had prepared him for. A man I trusted (still do) with my whole heart and soul, to let him close enough to share the burdens and struggles that few people knew of. He healed my heart and enabled me to finally be able to put the past behind me. That is how our story started: with redemption and healing. All because two socially awkward homeschoolers listened to the pulling of the Spirit, and went to that party that night in 2015. 

A mother's tears

 

Motherhood is beautifully hard. You share much laughter and tears with these tiny humans. You make memories - and mistakes- with them. And in them, you get to see yourself; the good parts and the bad.

  I look at Frasier and I miss that newborn baby with his fluffy hair and huge man hands. I miss the tiny tot, reaching those chubby arms up to "mama." All those late night snuggles after a bad dream. The list goes on.

  I realized the other day that I don't remember the

last time Frasier crawled into bed with me at night. It's been weeks. He no long crawls in with me for morning snuggles. He no longer calls for me to get him after a nap. He's growing up. He doesn't need me as often anymore. 

  And while I might not like it, it's life: he's going to grow up whether I like it or not. All I can do is embrace the new stages; the new memories. And hold my boy close, while I still can. One day, that sweet toddler of mine is going to be a man. But for now, he's still my little boy, and I don't want to miss a second of the time I've been given. 

How deep a Father's love

 

Here is a man who loves his children. Who serves and cares for his children with a selfless love: an unquenchable, unchanging love -no matter how his  children may act out or wrong him.

Last summer when we lost our (then) 2 year old, I was barely holding myself together by a thread. I kept thinking, "if anyone can find Frasier, it's Dan." Then, to watch the panic on Dan's face as he ran to a fro, searching and calling for our son; my heart shattered within me. Dan was usually so calm and logical, but here he was: freaking out and going through every worst case scenario. Later, as I snatched my son from his uncle's arms, I saw his father run up beside us. Through my own tears, I saw him drop to his knee with a look of utter relief and gratitude. I heard the deep sigh of relief as he saw that our son was safe.

  THIS is is the infinite love of a father. A love that drives a man to seek his child's well being and joy above all else. The kind of love that inspired a father to send His Son to the cross for His children.

  Imagine, if you will: God the Father has such a love for His children, that He bears the agonizing pain of separation as He sends His Son from Him. He is then forced to ignore the entreaties of His Son, as He inquires of a different route: one free of suffering. Knowing this path is the only one, the Father turns away, as the Son *willingly* goes to His death. Imagine the groan of utter pain and grief as He watches His Son endure the cross: a groan that darkened the sun and struck the earth with tremors. Then the roar of jubilation and relief when His Son rose that Easter morning, rattling the earth and shaking the graves open, as a Father rejoiced in His Son's return.

  This Father's love and ultimate sacrifice- that Son's willing death- was for YOU. You are the child that strayed; the child that was long sought after and grieved over. Today, the Father extends His love to you- reaching out with nail peirced hands to offer you hope: Will you hear His voice and accept His gift??