August

   I call you August, because that's when I found out about you. I call you by a name, because to me, you were a person deserving of a name.

   You may have only existed for a brief amount of time, but your memory is forever etched within my heart. You have changed the way I love; taught me what it means to love someone you never got to meet. 

   One year ago this week, I came to know of your existence. Your growth had only just started, but you were already making yourself known. You were safe. You were loved. Even for that brief period of time. But then, you were gone. Stolen away too soon: before the nerves had settled, before the shock had worn off. Before I even had a chance to tell your brothers about you. For 4 blissful weeks I had carried you. A beautiful secret that only God and I knew about. 

  On this, the one year mark, you are ever on my mind. I feel your loss every day; the vacancy in my heart never wanes. The heartbreak may have healed, but the hurt is ever present. I still wonder about you; imagining myself holding you. I try to imagine what our family would be like if you were here; what you would look like. Who you would be. How I wish I could've met you and held you. To tell you how loved you were. Instead, I carry you in my heart forever, my precious little one. 

  

   However brief  your existence was, doesn't change the hurt. A mother's love is instantaneous and lasting.  I will always love you; always remember you. My August. My 3rd baby.